YAUFYAITG

or, "Omlette"

If you’re wondering what the title stands for, it’s Yet Another Update From Yet Another Internet Trans Girl, and this post is exactly what it says on the tin.

I have some posts about my previous gender questioning on this page, so it’s not anything new. But tl;dr for anyone who hasn’t read the previous posts: I’m gender questioning, fit a lot of tropes for transfems, spend a ton of time thinking about what it would be like to be a girl, wishing I was a girl, knowing that girls (especially trans ones) have a lot harder time moving through life than cis guys do, but still feeling like it would be easier, etc, etc, etc.

After a long day, I’ll cuddle my Blåhaj, play some Celeste (or program), listen to some Underscores or Femtanyl, sometimes wear a fucking Celeste Skirt, browse trans subreddits, and look at the trans flag on my wall. I will do all of this, then have the gall to say “Still cis tho.”

Point is I’m barely holding on to being cis. I think I’m just scared not to be because of two reasons:

1. I don’t like not being certain of things
2. Holy shit society hates trans people right now this is terrifying.

So y’know… not necessarily the best position to be questioning my gender in, even if I’m in a relatively safe place with a supportive family. It’s… I’m not sure how to say it.

I’ve been questioning since I was 12 (at least), but lately it’s all just been… harder to ignore. Some of it was internal, but over the last year some other stuff happened that also has made thinking about my gender… much harder to avoid.

First was my first major breakup. No, I will not be talking about it in detail. I wasn’t avoiding questioning because they would judge me (my ex is, themselves, Gender Non-Conforming), but because I was being a stupid emotionally distant little 17 year old shit like so many teenage boys are.

Second has just been uncovering… how much of myself strongly associated with trans culture in so many ways. This is a meme I posted in April of last year.

still cis tho

Here’s an abridged list of other trans-associated things I associate with:

• Celeste
• Blåhaj
• Hyperpop
  • 100 Gecs
  • underscores
  • femtanyl
• constantly thinking about what it would be like to be the other gender
• mostly having friends not of my AGAB
• being “just a really passionate ally”
  • passionate enough to have a trans flag on the wall

Again, far from a complete list. Barely scraping the surface here.

So why not just bite the bullet and come out and say it definitively and explicitly? Because even though the odds are very good, I just… don’t like declaring things to be true when they aren’t, which makes talking about (and even just understanding) my own feelings incredibly hard. Also… jesus christ what the fuck is going on politically right now??? Half the states are basically trying to ban trans people, but I live in Canada, so I should be safe, right? Well I would hope so but at the same time we have the leader of the Conservatives spouting anti-trans bullshit, and the premier of the province next to mine taking selfies with Tucker fucking Carlson.

I’m fine. I feel fine. I live in a place that’s actually pretty safe as far as this goes.

It’s not like I don’t have any support, either. Most of my good friends throughout my teenage years have been on some level of genderfuckery. But the one I want to talk about briefly here is one I only met in the past year; Talia.

Talia is a game developer who has some experience under her belt. I met her at a game development thing last year without knowing her work, and she apparently almost immediately clocked me as trans-questioning. Candidly, she’s a lot of what I want to be. A successful indie dev making cool shit and living in a very authentically her way, even if that’s working on her games until ungodly hours of the morning. Which, candidly, so do I.

She’s also one of the most iconic people I’ve ever met.

At one gamedev event I was following her around like a duckling, and would occasionally make comments about trans subjects that were, shall we say, very eggy. So after a few hours of this, Talia sits me down, gives me a bunch of genuinely good advice about being trans, and when I say that I’m just an egg she replies with a statement that I think about literally every day:

“Buddy, there’s yolk all over the floor.”

Anyways yeah she’s great love her check out her games can’t wait for Clown Meat etc, etc, etc.

There’s so many signs.

But I’m still so scared and unsure.

The world is such a scary place, especially for trans people and right now I’m overwhelmed just trying to finish high school.

Do I feel so out of place as myself because I’m trans or is it because I’m autistic?

I don’t know

I’m fine. I’ll be fine.

Maybe.